Jakarta, we need to talk
The tormented relationship with my host city.
I practice Linguistic Empathy and I expect you to do the same. Please bear with me if my English is not perfect.
I have had ups and downs in my relationship with Jakarta. I always say that I am happy anywhere you place me, which is true because I love my projects and my life is blessed with loads of amazing friends, whom I feel close to me even at a distance. And makings friends in the places where I happen to live has never been a problem, though in Jakarta it has been proven a little bit slower and a trifle more difficult than in other countries (not having the channel of the children’s school has certainly contributed to this).
Still, never before in my long history abroad have I felt such a difficult connection with the place where I live. Since I arrived in Jakarta, I was struck by a general sense of difficulty that permeated my whole daily life. The traffic, driving on the other side, a language I do not master, the pollution, non existing or badly damaged pavements that make it impossible to walk, plus the usual (and common to every country on earth) plethora of codes and rules one has to learn before feeling comfortable in moving around.
From the very beginning it has felt a bit too much. I remember the first days I was here, when I ventured on foot, how harsh it felt to cross these streets while trying not to breath to avoid inhaling the dirty air. Every time I came back from a walk, I felt a deep sense of relief, and I always had to push myself to go out again.
As months went by, I learned to distinguish some of Jakarta’s neighborhoods, and started getting a sense of what moving around implied. I also forced myself to learn to drive on the other side and to actually go out and drive, which at the time felt like an enormous improvement. After a while, though, I realize that regaining my autonomy by driving my own car is not a long-term solution. Because the point is: driving to go where?
In two years Jakarta has been unable to make me feel the shiver of discovery, the joy of linking to a foreign place, the longing to go back to a particular area or place because it has captivated me, like it happened in the past with Barranco in Lima or the Old City in Jerusalem. Here in Jakarta I have the feeling that everywhere I go, all I see is the metal of cars and motorbikes, the concrete of the flyovers, the glass of the skyscrapers. The few carts that transport all sorts of stuff, and that are absolutely wonderful, for me are the living proof of how this culture has been and will definitely be crashed.
I am so sorry that the whole of my Jakarta experience is lived mostly inside because I find no enthusing place to go on the outside. I love my home, my maid, my friends, I love Indonesians and their smiles, their humor, the wonderful welcoming feeling they communicate. I love to visit the amazing places outside of Jakarta. But I still find it difficult to relate to the past or the present of this city.
There might be something I am still unable to focus on – or to express. Or I might just need to get out for a while. The third dengue I got at the end of September has been hard to absorb, both physically and psychologically. Maybe after a needed break in Italy, I’ll come back with renewed eyes, and I’ll be able to grasp that feeling that has always been essential for me to relate to the place where I happen to live a piece of my life.